


Three Things

by WoozleBucket



Series: Look Ma, No Hands! [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, M/M, Poor Adam, mentions of a dismembered limb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 16:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12136671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoozleBucket/pseuds/WoozleBucket
Summary: Adam knows three things. One, he has a leg. Two, his evil alter-ego has had sex with Volkor, the scourge of Blood Gulch City. Three, he's fucked.





	Three Things

**Author's Note:**

> What, I'm not posting a Sugar Pine 7 fic!? Whaaaaaaat!?
> 
> Adam has an evil alter-ego named Pixel who is a general nuisance. James is a fantastically-ripped Deadpool-like dude. Thank you super steroids!

There are three things Adam knows. 

1) He has no idea where he is. It looks like a seedy bar (big surprise) with more prostitutes than he can shake a leg at. Quite literally, in fact, as he has what appears to be a disembodied limb in his left hand. A big, bloody knife is in his right.

He looks at the leg, looks at the nearly-empty bottle of moonshine on the table in front of him, and looks at the extremely attractive man with his legs up on Adam’s lap. He has a weird look on his face. It’s a mixture of surprise, fear, and calm.

“You just cut my fucking leg off,” the man says, pulling his two perfectly healthy legs off of Adam’s lap and onto the table.

Adam looks down at the leg and back up at the man. “But you have two.”

He rolls his eyes and waves a hand at one of his legs. Adam just now notices the lack of denim on it and how the leg in his hand was covered in the bloodstained material.

“Huh,” Adam says.

“You were a better conversationalist a minute ago,” the man complains. “What happened?” he asks, slapping his bare leg almost suggestively. “Was it this? ‘Cause, you know, it’s happened before.”

“You’ve gotten your leg cut off before?” Adam asks, absently wiping the knife on his own jeans. He’s not worried about the laundry at the moment.

The man waves the question aside and instead looks longingly at the bottle of moonshine. 

“Go on,” Adam shrugs. “Can’t stand the stuff.”

“You just drank an entire bottle of it,” the man states. After a moment of consideration, he picks up the bottle.

“Obviously not. Dude, I don’t even know who you are.”

The man looks offended and tries to put his hand to his chest. Instead, he smacks the bottle against himself. “We spent the whole night together, Pix! I have pictures!”

2) Pixel took control for probably an entire day judging by how drunk he feels. The last thing Adam remembers is stumbling into his apartment and eating three tubs of rocky road while Bruce looks on with soft pity. Adam distantly wonders if Bruce is even alive at this point (Probably. Bruce and Pixel are good buddies, apparently.)  


Adam drops the leg and the knife and puts his head in his hands. “Goddamnit,” he groans. “Bruce is gonna kill me.”

“Two questions,” the man says. “Who is Bruce, and would he be upset if I fucked you?”

Adam pulls his head up with lightning speed and looks the man in his (brilliant, no, dreamy, no, amazing- shut up, you’re drunk) eyes. “Did we fuck?”

“No comment,” the man easily answers. After a moment, he asks, “So...if you aren’t Pixel, then who are you?”

Adam clears his throat. “Adam. Pixel’s a made-up figment of my imagination who likes to take over my body and murder people.”

“Volkor,” the man says. “I just had sex with a man’s imaginary friend. I also like long walks on the beach and shooting people’s heads off.”

Adam winces. He’d heard of the infamous Volkor before. Volkor, the man who is seemingly immortal and never gets caught by the police. Volkor, the man who pretends to run a bike gang consisting of himself and his secret agent wife. Volkor, the extremely attractive man who Adam apparently had sex with. 

“Yeah, look, I’m sorry if Pixel did anything damaging besides the leg,” Adam sighed, rubbing his face and moving to stand up. “But I’ve got to go. I don’t know where I am and my roommate is probably starting to notice that I’m the one that didn’t leave.”

Volkor stands up with him and, still carrying the bottle, follows him to the door. 

“He didn’t do anything too bad. I mean, my wife’s gonna be pissed about my lack of penis for a while, but it’s nothing we’re not used to.”

Adam stops short and his gaze flickers down at Volkor’s crotch before returning back up to his (handsome, no, breathtaking, no, godly- Jesus Christ get ahold of yourself, Kovic) face. 

“Oh my God, he cut off your dick,” Adam breathes. Despite himself, he giggles and leans against the door. Volkor cracks a smile.

3) Adam is fucked, both literally and figuratively.

**Author's Note:**

> Check me out on Tumblr @ohnomypeas!
> 
> I don't do much Funhaus there, but when I do, it's really fucking dope. Most times I'm talking about how I'm totally not Steven Suptic, talking about how dope Asher is, or I'm talking about how much I love all of these boys.


End file.
